Naughty Librarian

These days

2012-02-06T17:28:00.002-05:00

So far, this year is treating me quite well. I have a new job that I really like. I am happy with so many opportunities I have found lately! Hawk got a new job he really wanted and we're hoping to put our house on the market within the next 18 months. I can't wait to find our forever house and say goodbye to our little first house :)

The First Night of 2012

2012-01-06T16:25:00.007-05:00

On NYE we went to an event called First Night. You buy a button to wear which is your ticket in to various events all night. Last year was our first visit and we LOVED it! I am a big fan of live music, museums and architecture, so it was made for me. Some highlights were:

Lisa & Heather Malyuk are sisters and phenomenal musicians. They play modern, celtic, folky stuff, LOVE them!

I was so excited to see them perform in our local Art Museum lobby! It's a pretty space.

The next performance we saw was in the gorgeous ballroom of a building called Greystone Hall. It was built in 1917, and the architecture is breathtaking

This year there were horse drawn carriage rides. This was extremely popular, and we did not want to wait in line for 1 1/2 hrs, so we skipped it.

we explored the Civic Theater which is my favorite building in the city. I sang here with choirs years ago, and my high school graduation was also held here!

there was a "make-your-own" mask craft, which we did for the 2nd yr

this made me smile the most. My Grandmother used to work in this building!

and finally we saw opera performances in the Actor's Summit which is actually on the top floor of the building the ballroom is in.

We had an absolutely wonderful end to a completely awful year!

Thank you for waring so we do not need to war

2012-01-06T15:55:00.012-05:00

I'm a couple weeks behind, what else is new?

As you may or may not know, I have an 8 year old step-daughter. She is in 3rd grade at a great little school. About a week before Christmas, a big yellow envelope arrived in the mail, addressed to my husband. When we opened it, we discovered that it was from the guidance counselor at my step-daughter's school, this is what HER card said:

and this is what was inside:

There are 30 of them! The kids wrote, colored and decorated these cards for parents of students that are in the military. My husband and I were completely blown away. Here is a small sample of the insides :)

but THIS one is my favorite. This one is so innocent but meaningful to me. This kid knows exactly why my husband and so many others do what they do, even if he doesn't really understand. The core reason why they serve is in hopes that future generations don't have to.

we sat and read every single card. It was a highlight of our holiday season!

Not your average New Year's blog post

2011-12-30T12:57:00.003-05:00

2012 will be a pivotal year for me. Well, they all are, aren't they? But 2011 was the first year I ever truly felt like an adult. It was not marred by a deployment or the death of anyone close to me. It also was one of my hardest years.

Reintegration after a deployment takes so much more time than you would ever expect.

It was a hard year, because I felt unproductive and 1/4 life-crisisy all year long. But next year (my 26th) I have to make some decisions. And decisions will also be made by others that affect me too.

I'm completely changing the course of my education. I hate that I'm STILL IN SCHOOL, but I did take a lot of time off to deal with life. I am a different person than I was 1 year ago today. And a better person, I can say without doubt.

I celebrated one year of marriage this October. I turned 25! I reached my goal weight through commitment and hard work. No shortcuts. I had heartbroken days and days I didn't want to end.

I don't make resolutions. But I do make goals, because they keep me on track. They keep me happy.

One of my goals for next year is to just let go. My past weighs me down, as I'm sure is normal when you lose your mom at such a young age. I was a child much longer than I've been an adult, yet, so most of my history is colored by memories of someone I love that I no longer have. And you know, she'd be SO "GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!"

I think the biggest challenge for me this year has been figuring out who the hell I am and how to allow myself the room to grow into who I'm meant to be. Which I'm doing. And I feel more Me everyday.

So, 2012;

Be more present
Focus on happiness
Be more fearless

Anything that makes me happier and makes me feel more alive is an investment in myself.

adventuring

2011-12-14T15:34:00.005-05:00

I realize I haven't blogged since JULY. Wow. That is because I lost my "voice" a long time ago, between deployment, reintegration, 1/4 life crisis, etc...

Anyway, I am at a really good place in life now. I am working living a happier, fulfilling, more ME life.

My latest big adventure was in honor of our 1 year wedding anniversary. I wasn't sure if we could top (let alone match) our honeymoon trip to Ireland, but my expectations were blown out of the water. I live to travel, and while trying to plan the perfect anniversary trip, groupon started their travel program. On a whim, I booked us a trip to a place called Ludlow, Vermont.

It was AMAZING!

We stayed at a wonderful hotel Castle Hill Resort and Spa

in this gorgeous mountain town. Ludlow is a small town in the Green Mountains, and is usually a ski resort town. We however, went off season, in October. Here is a pic of the lovely resort. It is a former mansion that now houses a 5 star French-American Restaurant and 10 guest suites. I can't begin to describe how beautiful the building is. I am an architecture junkie, and the gorgeous details of this house took my breath away.

We rented a car, boarded the dogs and embarked on the 10+ hour journey into the unknown, as I made a loose itinerary that left more room free for exploring than a rigid schedule. I am SUCH a control freak, and we don't normally travel with such a casual plan. But I am so glad we did. I got to explore the next town over (Springfield, VT. Who's claim to fame is that the won some type of Simpson's contest and were chosen to host the Simpson's movie premiere. Random!) I found the most beautiful used book store there and spent about 2 hours exploring it. I came away with a lot of rare books, so I was in heaven.

Later that day, and back in Ludlow, we ate at a small family owned restaurant and the sweet owners told us how to find our way up Mt. Okemo. So, we did it. We drove a long winding road, going higher and higher until we found a good place to park. We then hiked 3 miles further, and came to the highest point around. There is an old fire-tower the rangers used until the 60's. we climbed that and this was our view. We actually watched a storm roll in about 30 miles away. It was unbelievable.

and here I am at the top. Freezing my fingers off.
husband and I. On our 1 yr anniversary.
we ended the night at (of course) the local Irish Pub, The Killarney

I didn't take pics because my camera was dead :(

This bar was great for a number of reasons, but we loved it because 2 entire walls were dedicated to patches from Police, Firefighters and Military units from all over the country. In case you don't know, Vermont is right next to NY, and the Sept. 11th attacks affected them greatly. They take their support of those who defend and protect very seriously. When my husband offered the bartender a 4th ID patch of his own, not only did she exchange a free drink for it, she thanked him for his service and introduced him to the entire staff. For military wives, that small appreciation means a lot. It's not everyday that I see the support and appreciation given to my soldier. Especially from people that were so deeply affected by the terrorist events that have defined our generation and this war.

I will be adding more pics and stories soon. Thanks for continuing to read my poor neglected blog!

4th of July 2011

2011-07-08T16:53:00.004-04:00

This year, for the 4th, we didn't make any plans. M's job is unpredictable, so we didn't know if he was going to have to go in or not. At the last minute, we found out he didn't so, we set off in search of something to do. There's a little town called Suffield not too far from where we live. We love it there and hope to eventually buy a little farm there :) On the 4th, we found a little boat rental place on a small lake. They rent rowboats, pedalboats and ones with engines too. We opted for a rowboat, since the lake was so small. The owner was clearly a veteran (hat, shirt, tats, etc... lol) so he and M talked for a while, as vets tend to do, and he gave us a great deal on the boat for the day!

Neither of us had ever been there, and we were amazed at how pretty and peaceful it was. One side of the lake has railroad tracks running along it. While we were there a train went by, about 45 feet from us, it was right on the water, so crazy! On the other side is this building, it's called the Wingfoot Lake Hangar. The city I'm from is known for building blimps, and we have one that flys around above the city on an almost daily basis. I always wondered if other cities have them too, but I don't think very many exist. Anyway, the Hangar is like a blimp garage.

I spent most of the time reading, and slathering myself in spf 85

After 3 hours of no luck, M finally caught a fish! It was the only one he caught that day, and when we talked to a few other boaters, we found out nobody was having any luck. There are a few houses around the lake, and they had been shooting off fireworks intermittently, which I suspect has something to do with it!

He (of course!) threw the little fish right back in

We had an awesome day, and we plan to go back to the little lake soon. Fireworks are difficult for my husband, as they are for many veterans that suffer from PTSD. I'm thankful we found an alternate activity that allowed us to enjoy the day, without the stress and anxiety we'd have otherwise.

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

2011-07-08T16:42:00.004-04:00

1. Does your Significant Other read your blog? Why is this a good or a bad thing? submitted by Mrs. Alana’s Miscellany
Not at all! lol he doesn't understand blogging whatsoever

2. What is one item in your house that holds the most sentimental value and why? submitted by The Albrecht Squad
I have this antique hutch (china cabinet?) that belonged to my Great-Great-Grandmother. She grew up on an Indian Reservation and moved to Ohio at 14 to find work. When she got married soon after, her parents gave it to her. It was always in my home growing up, and when I lost my Mom, it became mine. I love it, and it means a lot to me

3. When it comes to water fun in the summer do you prefer the beach, the pool, a lake, or the sprinklers? submitted by The Turvo Times
I prefer less crowded places, so I'd say a lake. We found a small lake about 7 miles from our house that has a little boat rental place. It's perfect!

4. What is the one special thing that you do for yourself to get you through the first week of a deployment/separation? submitted by A Creed and a Psalm
I can't think of anything special I do, for me it's all about taking it one day at a time. The first week of a deployment is probably the easiest, though I think. It's so easy to convince yourself he's just gone for a week or two of training . It's 7 months in that is the real killer, in my opinion! I say 7 months, because M's last deployment was for 400 days and at the 7 month mark, I had had ENOUGH

5. What is your biggest guilty pleasure website? submitted by Christines Little Blog
Well, my favorite thing about Sundays is Sunday Secrets on Postsecret.com lol

Almost the 4th!

2011-07-01T17:30:00.003-04:00

I haven't been posting lately because my (brand freaking new) camera went haywire, and I'm waiting for it to be repaired & returned.

So here is some nice filler :P

Come join in on the fun at Wife of a Sailor!

Have you (spouse) ever considered joining the military and what do you think of dual military couples? submitted by Project Army Wife

I was in JROTC in high school. Which is really funny because I was gothic and had multicolor dreadlocks lol. I took my ASVAB when I was 19 and I was due to report to MEPS on a Monday, but that Friday I experienced something extremely traumatic that changed the course of my life. So, no I won't be part of Psy-Ops like previously planned :( lol. I think dual military couples are badass, of course. I also think it has to be really hard.

What is your idea of a perfect Sunday afternoon? submitted by A Few of My Favorite Things

Oh, man. I HATE Sundays so bad. I always have. They're so boring, and nothing is open. My ideal Sunday would be hitting up some quirky stores, a new book, and going to the dollar theater with my husband. Alternately shopping with my deployment wifey/bff would be a good use of time :)

What do you usually do for the 4th of July holiday? submitted by Anchor's Away

Growing up, we lived near downtown, so we'd always walk to our city's firework show, but they've changed things (not for the better) and we don't even bother with that anymore. Sometimes we swim, sometimes we cook out with my in-laws. It's actually still up in the air this year. My husband has fairly severe PTSD, and he can't really handle the fireworks anymore anyway. We'll surely find something fun to get into.

If they could make an Olympic event JUST for you that you know you'd medal in, what would it be? submitted by Pants are Confusing

Thrifting, hands down. I can walk into the lamest store in bfe and come out with a bag full of gorgeous items. Gold medal thrifter. It'll probably say that on my epitaph ha

What have you been doing to get yourself bathing suit ready for the summer? submitted by Not Just an Army Wife

I haven't worn a swimsuit in years, and it has nothing to do with my body and everything to do with the fact that I am as white as snow, and I don't want skin cancer. I have, however been working out. I had a goal to lose 25 lbs by my birthday. (25 by 25) and I'm currently down 7 with 6 weeks to go. I walk a lot, as I have 3 dogs. I do yoga a few times a week (I used to be an instructor) and I hike whenever possible.

As soon as my camera is fixed, I'll be back!

AT

2011-06-15T16:58:00.004-04:00

For the last 2 weeks, M has been on the road with his unit. It's annual training time in the reservist world. Left to my own devices, I've read a lot of books, planted a lot of different plants, painted lots of things outside (window trim, garage door, garage trim) and watched 70 episodes of 30 Rock on Netflix.

70 episodes. How did I even...?

I've been watching a lot of documentaries too, so many of them heartbreaking, I don't know why I do it to myself.

I don't normally watch TV, the only show I like is "How I Met Your Mother" which I normally watch online. I am loving Netflix though, it makes nice background noise when I'm sewing in the evenings. I've been altering a lot of clothes lately and I'm learning to use a sewing machine. I've always sewn by hand, even making curtains and my own clothes, but I figured it was finally time I step into the 19th century and learn to master the sewing machine I bought 5 years ago.

When I started this blog, it was just to ramble when M was deployed. Now that life is a bit calmer and I've figured out (sorta, for now) what my hobby is (kinda?) I thought I'd post a few outfits and eventually even clothes I've made. I definitely have my own style, why not share :)

Video linkup week 11

2011-06-13T19:37:00.001-04:00

I'm obviously a crazy dog lady. To enforce that:

ha!

Join the weekly video linkup here: Deployment (again)

MilSpouse Friday Fill-In

2011-06-10T15:54:00.005-04:00

1. When you vacation what type of vacation do you like to take (beach, historic, adventurous, food oriented, etc.)? submitted by Megan Dub-Yuh

I am definitely not a beach person! I prefer places that have lots of history, and I also love architecture, so a place that has a LOT of old buildings and cemeteries. These places also tend to be food oriented :)

2. What is your best memory associated with a song (you know we all have tons!)? submitted by Ramblings of a Marine Wife
About 8 months into mine and M's relationship, his unit was activated to deploy, we were really young and couldn't afford to go anywhere like most people were doing. One of his older Army friends and his wife were heading to the Florida Keys for a week and they asked (let us) house sit for them for a week. During that week, we listened to this song non-stop, which is now "our song"

the memory is happy because it was around this time that we decided we would get engaged, and also, his unit ended up delaying the deployment.

3. If you had six months with no obligations or financial constraints, what would you do with your time? submitted by Married to the Army
I would spend the time exploring Europe and Australia. I am madly in love with Dublin, and I can't wait to go back. I also have a huge list of cities I want to visit and things I want to do in each one

4. What is one thing about you that people do NOT typically notice at first that you wish they would? submitted by Our Motto is Patience
I don't really know what people notice about me. I'm sarcastic and have a weird sense of humor, so I'd hope they realize that 90% of the crazy things I say, I'm just joking to amuse myself

5. …. submitted by The Three Turners: It’s a summer of sequels, and if you had to live in one of each of the following “worlds” (there are three total) which would you choose and why?

–X-Men: Be a Mutant, what would your power be? I just saw the newest X-Men movie yesterday and I think I'd like to have the power of telepathy

–Harry Potter: Be a Witch or Muggle? I've already been a Muggle for 24 years, I'd rather be a witch

–Twilight: Be a Vampire or Werewolf? So not even interested in living in Twilight world

I don't have a green thumb, but...

2011-06-07T21:15:00.003-04:00

I try!

We had a garden last year, and unfortunately discovered that our soil isn't ideal for most veggies, so this year we built a raised bed and are trying it out. If all goes well, next year we'll add 3 more identical beds and will grow, freeze, and can most of our veggies for the year. It's bigger than it looks, and I haven't filled it yet! It's a little over 4 ft wide and 12 ft long

The pics aren't perfect, I am not much of a photog but you get the idea! We're growing a couple varieties of heirloom tomatoes, eggplants, spinach and a few types of peppers. Also, this year we're growing corn for the first time. I have a separate (not so pretty) herb garden and some rogue onions that I planted last year (they didn't grow). They are definitely thriving this year!

I've got more seeds growing, they're almost big enough to be re-planted. They include poppies, bachelor's buttons, peonies, heirloom kaleidoscope carrots. romaine lettuce, sweet peas, marigolds, and summer squash.

I also grow roses, this bush is an attempt to hide the gas meter

They make great cut flowers too, and I love having them around the house.

My days can be so hectic and stressful, but my quiet neighborhood and sweet little garden make me so happy. It's just calm here.

This is Lindsay

2011-06-07T00:02:00.002-04:00

This is the funniest viral video I've seen this week! Too bad it's a "serious" short film ;)

LINDSAY LOHAN from V Magazine on Vimeo.

No words.

link up your own fave viral video over at Deployment (again)

whew it's hot!

2011-06-05T22:40:00.005-04:00

I've been spending a lot of time in the garden! I was planning on finally posting pictures of our new raised bed (which is awesome btw) but by the time I was done planting my new rose bush, it was too dark. Just my luck :)

So instead I have different pics. I spent a couple hours today grooming my dogs. I know, my life is exciting right?

M is in the field, so I've been left to my own devices, what can I say?

But anyway, look at my boys!

This is Charley. He's a rescue and he's about 2 1/2. He was pulled from death row by a sweet lady the DAY BEFORE he was scheduled to be euthanized. He was left in a box at the pound as a puppy . He was so dirty and covered in fleas, they didn't know he was white.

Charley couldn't be a sweeter, lovable dog. I hate to think too much about his past because it was such a close call. I was told he's a Parson Jack Russell mix

This is Guinness, he wouldn't hold still for a pic haha! He's the dog I've had the longest, and he's spoiled rotten (they all are). I've had him since 2007. He's a full blood Cairn Terrier (like Toto) and I've pretty much mangled his breed standard haircut, but the poor thing was overgrown and needed some relief :)

Guinness is my baby! He's the best, even though he's really stubborn, he's just about the smartest dog I've ever seen. He's really sweet and quirky. Cairns are known for their expressive eyes, and it's amazing what he seems to understand.

Do you have a dog?

No Other Outlet

2011-06-02T15:29:00.004-04:00

I normally wouldn't post this but, I've got no other outlet so, why not?

15 months ago, I had a fiance just home from 15 months away with the Army.

(they say that you need the same amount of time to re-adjust as you were apart)

The time has flown by, since the homecoming. We're married now! Life goes on, right?

But it's not that simple.

While my husband was gone, I changed immensely. I've always been independent, but we've been together about 7 years, and going from that to being truly alone for over a year, is a different kind of independence. I, of course, have friends and a little family who were distractions, but most of the time I was on my own, doing my own thing.

M also changed too. This wasn't his first deployment, he'd been there in '03 for a year as well, and that time was much more scary, and he saw combat on a daily basis. This deployment there was obviously a certain element of danger. But he never saw combat this time, never fired a round, etc.. it was a completely different type of year. If that makes any sense...

So naively naturally I expected him to come home relatively the same, and normal old M. You can only guess what will happen during re-integration, but I thought we'd have an easier time. A smoother transition and then on with our lives.

But it didn't happen.

He came home quieter, much less outgoing. He has a TBI, from an explosion is '03 which complicates things. He has PTSD, it makes him withdrawn and he can't focus, has no motivation. He has severe road rage (he's in a Transportation unit, so he was always driving while deployed) which has led to some pretty scary situations. No ambition, never wants to do anything, can't be bothered to try and so on.

But worse than that, we barely even speak anymore. And when we do, it ALWAYS becomes a fight. Theres no way to prepare for what happens after a deployment. Every single situation is different. I've seen at least a dozen marriages end, just with soldiers from M's unit. I know of only 2 couples that are ok, but they seem to be the exception to the rule.

I've done so much research and we've been going to counseling on and off (whenever the VA can find the time for us, or him solo)

It really sucks to not be able to enjoy ANY part of being a newlywed. It's like I married a stranger. I want my fiance back. I'm pretty much heartbroken.

Happy Memorial Day

2011-05-30T22:26:00.001-04:00

Video Link up Week 9:

Happy Memorial Day! I helped friends move yesterday, and we planted our garden today! It's been so hot, summer is finally here and I'm glad for that!

check out the original video and link up too!

Deployment (again): Video linkup, week 9

Birdie's List

2011-05-23T17:44:00.005-04:00

I think this type of list is what other's call a "Honey Do" list. I don't make lists for my honey, (or ever call him that) but anyway, this list is for me!

My house hasn't been renovated or updated since 1975. Ah, the era of wood paneling and purple shag carpet (2 layers, different purples). Everything about it needs SOMETHING done and I'm working on having all of it done by the end of the year.

It is remarkably cheap to renovate when all the labor is free! Plus, I'm the biggest penny pincher you're likely to ever find so, I'm surprisingly resourceful. We get some items from Habitat for Humanity's Restore, usually the big things (doors, vanity cabinet etc..) and some from Home Depot or Ace Hardware, if there's a great deal. We recently found a store called Ollie's that carries Pergo laminate flooring for .69 a sq. ft. which is a huge bargain! Every single room in my house has different flooring, and eventually we'll install the laminate in every room except the bathroom and kitchen, which I plan to tile.

So for the sake of accountability, this is what we've yet to do. I'm sure the list will grow, but as of today:

1. Rake. (house sat empty for years and the grass is in terrible shape. We've been here for 3 rs and it's about 30% better than it was! We have to rake a LOT and spread grass seed to fill in patches.)

2. Build front columns

3. put gutters on garage

4. fix the drainage situation on the house

5. paint outdoor trim/window frames (they and the soffits are all black and so dreary)

6. paint garage door (got it on Craigslist for $100 :) while hubs was installing it, he managed to get (black) bearing grease all over it. In handprints. *sigh*

7. Finish deck. (our deck is old and extremely weathered, yet strong. We found if we flip the boards they're brand new on the other side. We're flipping, re-attaching them staining, and sealing them)

8. New porch lights

9. New address numbers

10. edging and stones (we have a u shaped driveway with a huge tree in the middle, we're going to edge the U and re-gravel it)

11. mulch Forsythia

12. paint flower boxes ( I have 2 huge flower boxes running along the entire front of the house. For some reason someone painted the top stones black and I'd like them to be brighter)

13. organize garage

14. buy shutters (Restore will be where I get them)

Today, we built our raised garden bed, put down some weed blocker fabric, and I've been weeding like crazy. We gardened last year with minimal success for way too much effort. Our soil is pure clay and it is a bitch to work with! I'm taking the lazy way out here and starting with store bought topsoil. I don't know the first thing about conditioning soil. My seeds are coming along nicely, and I can't wait to pop them into the new garden bed in a couple weeks.

My list was considerably longer last week, so I'm just happy it's down to these things..for now!

A Boohoo and a Hooah

2011-05-19T21:03:00.003-04:00

A Boohoo: Hubs has been gone a lot this month, he's doing more training and is leaving for AT soon

A Hooah! the rain finally stopped and we're finally supposed to have nice weather! I've seen the sun 4 days this month ha!

You can link up HERE!

bacon video, yeah...

2011-05-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

This just makes me laugh.

I had a surprisingly good day.

with no bacon

Deployment (again): Video linkup, week 6!

Deployment (again): Video Linkup, WEEK 5

2011-05-01T16:01:00.000-04:00

This video is ridiculous! I found it a couple years ago and showed my little niece. Every once in a while she wants to watch it again, so I recently re-found it. Hope you like it :)

Join in this linkup over at :

Deployment (again): Video Linkup, WEEK 5

Long post!

2011-04-30T22:49:00.009-04:00

What can I say?

I (of course) watched the Royal Wedding yesterday, solely for the hats and gown. I am in love with the tradition of hats! I bought this 40's one today shamelessly.

I realized recently that I don't take enough pictures, mostly because my new camera isn't rechargeable so the batteries are always dead. M got today off unexpectedly so we went a couple towns over to a place that is a little Amish enclave. We went to their huge flea market complex and then a couple of antique stores.

I found out today that all summer there will a farmer's market for locally grown organic veggies and they're dirt cheap. I got 6 lbs of huge nice tomatoes (oh, I love tomatoes), and a bushel of organic zucchini. I also got 3 loaves of fresh artisan breads. It came to 13 bucks for so much veg-friendly, food, I'm a little over-excited to have a great source for most of my summer groceries.

I found some cool random things too, like this ridiculous old (frontier?) bonnet

I thought it was cool, but I'm trying to keep my eccentricity on the DL and the bonnet screams crazy.

I saw this vintage (tapestry? covered) canister...er, thing. Being used as an umbrella stand. It was so well made and really vivid

Speaking of weddings, I found this handmade white silk dress and jacket. It's from the late 20's and so beautiful. The dress isn't clipped either, she was a tiny little thing!

racks of vintage fabric

I love the Emerald colored glass in this weird harem/pimp lamp

Love the look and feel of these old cameras!

this pretty gray bead and glass flower necklace

my fave find today, a beautiful mandolin. I love them, and I kinda want to learn how to play

lots of flowers

I love 70+ yr old books!

I lost hubby for a second and later found him here, ha! I thought it was comical that they had a gun booth

M is an Army reservist, and in our town (and surrounding) there isn't really a military community. It's very rare to even see someone in uniform here. All day long today people stopped to thank M for his service and a few veterans stopped to talk for a while.

Little kids always point and smile, and every now and then someone will thank him, but he said he's never gotten so much in one day. I'm glad people take the time and remind him every once in a while that his sacrifices are appreciated.

God knows we've sacrificed so much during and after his last deployment. Just sayin!

the overcast washed us out, but this pic is a rare one of us both ha!

anyway, that's how I spent my day indulging my obsession for old things :)

and oh yeah, people stared all day cause I kept the white hat on! Does anyone else feel like hats on women is regarded as a bit out there?

Oh well, I'm predicting hats to be the next big thing. Here's hoping!

If the sun would just..come...out

2011-04-22T15:11:00.006-04:00

It was a long, hard winter. I have never been as ready for the season to change as I have been the last couple of months.

Now, being Ohio, we've got monsoon weather which will eventually give way to suffocating humidity and blistering sun, but that's ok. I have a closet full of dresses to wear and a big tube of SPF 85. (I'm Irish) I will take that over cabin fever-winter-depression any day. (Although I did break my fave sunglasses, I can always get a new pair.)

We bought our house in June, 2008 ( I was 21 go me ;) and the yard had been overgrown and ignored for at least 5 yrs, and probably longer. In fact the house sat empty for a few years. Our lawn was less grass, and more crabgrass and dandelions. I don't mind dandelions, but I am a barefoot hippie in my own yard and crabgrass hurts.

So anyway, now that we've got most of our plants healthy, and our lawn about 60% grass, I'm ready to finally use my yard (with my hubby! who lived here approximately 4 months before he deployed) I've kept an eye on the yard the past couple of springs, and I finally know when good weather is upon us:

Yes, I need to rake.

These bushes (no idea what they are) run along the length of the front of my yard. They explode in bright yellow for about a week and a half before they turn green. This is my first sign that winter is over

I need to rake some more, yes. We planted this pink thing last year and it never bloomed, but it surprised me a couple days ago and shot up out of nowhere.

It made me really happy, because we were under quite a few inches of snow for the last 4+ months and I was so tired (still am) of a monochrome landscape. All gray or all white is boring and mind numbing.

Just this morning I found these little purple flowers popping up in all my clumps (for lack of a better word) of Ivy.

So, now you know that all it takes to put a smile on my face is a little bit of color

Deployment (again): Viral Video linkup, WEEK 3

2011-04-17T11:47:00.002-04:00

Deployment (again): Viral Video linkup, WEEK 3

SO, somehow I managed not to post anything for a week? Where does the time go?

Anyway I'm linking up again with some lovely Mil ladies and my choice this week is EXTREMELY PROFANE. So if you don't like foul language, I'd say skip it.

HOWEVER it is HILARIOUS and you WILL love it!

Yay for linkups, and here's hoping I'll get my stuff together enough to post more this week!

Deployment (again): Video Linkup, WEEK 2

2011-04-11T12:24:00.000-04:00

I'm linking up to Gaile's blog today with my fave viral video. I haven't done a link up before (hope I don't mess it up ha)

I chose this one because I LOVE this song. And it's cute to see a Dad with his little girl (we're partial to that combo around here ;)

Join the linkup, and check out some viral videos, because if you're anything like me, you're too lazy to find them on your own! Ha!

Deployment (again): Video Linkup, WEEK 2

Stranger than Fiction

2011-03-30T14:15:00.005-04:00

So, theres this movie that I've watched a couple of times recently. I adore it:

It's about this guy that is living a mundane life. He hears voices and realizes that an author is writing his life.

Then he meets a girl (Maggie Gyllenhaal , who I love). She's a baker, and he's supposed to be auditing her. The voices are scaring him, so he is trying to change things in his life, to change the story.

Oh and the best scene, he decides he's going to take a chance with her, and he brings her Flours! (cause she's a baker..)

Isn’t that the sweetest thing?!

I love her apartment, and her bakery is really cute.

I love Harold’s weird blue suits and Dustin Hoffman’s character. Emma Thompson plays the neurotic author that’s trying to kill Harold. Love her too.

The ending is the best, and it made me cry, which prompted me to write a post about it ha! I think it’s so underrated. This movie just makes me happy

top pic Via Google

Bakery Window

Flours

Almost April

2011-03-29T15:34:00.005-04:00

So...DAMN! This year is flying already! I have numerous friends with babies due anytime now. The weather is finally getting to be bearable. I've planned my garden out and started my seeds. I even spent St. Patrick's Day working on the yard and beginning to refinish my deck.

I'm glad winter is over. It was a long hard one. The hardest I can recall in my life. I had strep 3 times, then the flu, then I had 2 panic attacks in VERY public places. Ahh, I can be such a mess!

I start a new job next week. I'm happy I'll have something to do again.

(This is going in random directions)

I saw these very cool pics this morning, of tulips growing in Holland. It made me want to grow a field of monochrome flowers!

TULIPS

I am planting some flowers, including a silver rose bush. I picked it out because it seemed so unusual. As long as I manage not to kill it anytime soon, we'll see how odd they do grow.

2011-03-06T18:42:00.002-05:00

I finally had a chance to see Hawk this weekend. That's always nice ha! He works so much that we don't really see each other during the week. I'm hoping with the nicer weather coming we'll have more opportunities to get out and do things. It's been a long boring winter. Our spring projects are about to begin and I can't wait. We've chosen flooring and paint colors for our home remodel. I do most of the work myself, and I think it's the most useful hobby I've ever had. I'm going to tile my bathroom in a month or so, and I'm planning on documenting the overhaul here. Our house is stuck in 1975 and I love the modernization I've done so far. I just wish I had before pics. You guys would die.

I'm talking a wood paneled CEILING in the Master!

I have carpet to rip out and a popcorn ceiling problem I've yet to figure out yet.

But I'm excited :)

Off Day

2011-03-01T18:00:00.003-05:00

I had, just the worst day today. I had a second interview for a job and my F'ing car wouldn't start.

I'm trying to not let the never ending Winter bother me, but it is. I am starting to thing I have S.A.D. My Dad has it and I swear I'm turning into a grumpy old guy.

COME ON SPRING!

I want to wear sunglasses and sun dresses. (& SPF 75) And I'd like it to be warm enough to get out of the damn house more!!

Valentine's Day 2011

2011-02-21T13:03:00.005-05:00

I think that may be the first time I've written the year out. 2011 WOW.

Ha, anyway...

Last year I spent Valentine's Day skyping my deployed fiancée, while eating Hardee's. There was a Hardee's by his barracks and there's one a couple miles from my house so we decided to have a Skype date.

Fast forward to this year: I awoke to a random bright blue car in my driveway. (I have a turnaround drive, and huge picture windows) I didn't recognize it so I hooked my scary looking (bahahaha) German Shepherd on a leash and went to see why someone was sitting in my drive.

I knocked on the window closest to me and all of a sudden 4 big guys got out of the car. They were all matching, in bright red vests and bowties. (I didn't take a picture, I was frazzled).

It turns out that my crazy husband set out to make my day unforgettable.

It was a BARBERSHOP QUARTET.

They brought me roses, a card with my favorite poem inside and a box of chocolate truffles. And, oh yeah...THEY SANG TO ME. OUTSIDE! They did a little V-day song I've never heard before, and an old standard "Let Me Call You Sweetheart".

I started to cry and I was speechless. It was so sweet :) it makes up for all the V-days the Army has kept us apart.

Later that day, hubs came home early from work and took me to Bravo

It was WONDERFUL. I had only been there once before, and I like it as a semi-fancy place for minor special occasions. I had a type of pasta I haven't eaten since I was a kid and my mom used to make it from scratch and it didn't disappoint!

After that we went to see Gnomeo and Juliet. I am a huge Shakespeare lover, but also (&I can't believe I'm admitting this) I have a weird love for gnomes. I have a collection of one of a kind ones somewhere that has yet to be unpacked.

I loved James McAvoy as Gnomeo. The animation was really cute, and he's one of my favorites.

I also loved celebrating this silly holiday with my Husband! We're having fun commemorating all these married firsts (Christmas, Vday, etc.) and overall, having fun as newlyweds!

Chop wood, camping and bear traps

2011-02-01T22:18:00.003-05:00

I keep seeing these and they're always hilarious to me. This one is to show how ridiculous conversations with my husband are:

Every single evening begins this way!

Insomniac Gardener

2011-01-29T00:33:00.003-05:00

Well after another fun filled day (sarcasm) I have found myself unable to sleep. Again. What else is new?

Anyway, staring at the dark ceiling just wasn't working anymore. So, I've found something constructive to do with my ample time: Planning this years garden!

We bought our house in June 2008 and didn't really get unpacked and situated until early fall. We knew that when we bought a house we'd like to have a garden every summer, but the first year it was too late in the season. The summer of '09, my husband was off in the sandbox, and I didn't want one without him, so I held off again. Finally, this past summer we were able to plant a good sized garden.

We had 5 different types of modern and heirloom tomatoes, a few kinds of sweet and hot peppers, cucumbers, snow peas, lettuce, zucchini, eggplants, 2 kinds of onions, and we had a smaller separate plot for herbs.

It started out well, but we ran into so many problems that it ended a complete disaster in early fall. The problem was (still is) that we have a very dense clay soil. There had never been a garden here, so we had to remove unruly, weedy grass and then cultivate the soil. By hand. It SUCKED!

Another problem we had is the garden was planted adjacent to the side of the garage, so when it rained, our poor garden flooded. Every. Damn. Time. And it rained a LOT last summer in Ohio.

We dug trenches and salvaged what we could, but that clay is a worthy opponent.

Anyway, this spring we intend to redo the entire thing and make raised beds. I grew up having huge gardens, but never with raised beds, so it'll be another learning experience, which is fine. I'm a vegetarian so I would like to grow a diverse range of plants. I find myself missing the fresh, flavorful foods I got to enjoy last summer/fall. The stuff at the store just never tastes as good :)

So, in summation, if you have any advice on raised beds, gardening in general, or you'd like to suggest things for me to grow, I'd appreciate it!

The war never ends

2011-01-27T13:04:00.005-05:00

The time leading up the deployment was tense. We didn't talk much and everything was so serious. He'd been through this before, I met him right after he came home, in 2004. I was 18 years old when I met this 25 year old soldier. He joined the Army in October of 2000. You know what happened the next Fall.

In early 2003, my soldier was among the first to fight in Operation Iraqi Freedom. He was with the 4th infantry division in Tikrit. Saddam Hussein's hometown. A place where they still fervently followed their leader. 10 days before my soldier was set to come home, from this nearly yearlong deployment, his unit, along with another (around 600 people) captured Saddam Hussein.

That understandably made him feel like everything he'd been through had been worth it.

The day before my soldier deployed in 2003, his girlfriend at the time (another soldier in his unit) told him that she was pregnant. So he immediately took her to the courthouse and they got married. He says he was looking forward to coming home and being a husband, and a dad.

Fast forward 6 months, the baby is born. A baby girl who is a carbon copy of my soldier. K. Along with the pictures she sent him, of their newborn baby, she sent him an email (that I've read with my own eyes) that said (in a nutshell) "My baby will never know you. I hear on the news about all these guys dying, and I can't wait to hear that you died too. I'll get all that money" (death benefits, at the time about $400,000)

It turns out that when their reserve unit got called up to deploy, her and her mom freaked out (understandably) and devised a plan for her to get pregnant on purpose so that she wouldn't have to deploy. (Not so understandable) That way, they said, when he died, she'd be rich.

Another couple weeks went by, and at that point my soldier's number of confirmed kills hovered around 4 dozen. 4 dozen marks that my sweet, Christian solider feels will forever be on his soul. And he struggles with this, to this day, it still comes up. His wife exposed her truths, so he knew he had nothing to come home to. Fighting demons and fearing god, he drank a lot, over there.

One night when he was sleeping (in a tent, the barracks weren't even started there yet) a mortar round hit a tree about 15 feet from where he lay. It knocked him unconscious for a few minutes (he doesn't know how long) and even when he came to, he couldn't hear anything for hours. This is where he acquired his TBI, or Traumatic Brain Injury, for those who don't know. It was described to me like a multiple concussion. It bruises your brain and changes things and effects everyone in different was. And of course there are different levels of severity.

My soldier has memory problems, anger issues, nightmares, headaches, tinnitus, he has this quirk where he'll tell anybody anything they want to hear (including me) and not mean a word. He wants to make people happy but he can't handle the follow through. He has trouble concentrating and common noises send him over the edge. He is distracted very easily, it takes time and sometimes repetition for him to process things people say or that he reads. He is impulsive to a dangerous point sometimes. there's so much more, but you get the picture.

Anyway, he never got help for any of this stuff, I knew nothing back then (18!!! I was a child)

about PTSD or TBI, or war, or getting help or LIFE. And I never knew how to get him the help he needed, he actually seemed to be improving. And to this day he tells me that I saved him. But that doesn't make me feel happy. It feels like a burden, because he wants me to keep saving him...

I cant write the rest now

just some random thoughts

2011-01-21T14:21:00.005-05:00

The past few weeks have flown by, everyday is pretty much the same. Cold as hell, lots of boredom and the occasional night out. We're coming up on the one year marker of the end of my husband's deployment. That's hard to believe sometimes. It feels like he just got home. We haven't exactly re-adjusted to how it was before, but we have found a new normal. When you live with someone (especially after a year living alone) that has PTSD and a TBI, life just changes.

My husband is a truck driver in the Army, so obviously he spent the entire year+ long deployment driving in convoys in a war zone. This has made one facet of my life absolutely terrifying. Anytime he is driving, I am completely freaked out. He is a skilled driver, but he's always on edge, on a frustration level, he goes from 0-60 in about 5 seconds. He speeds, he white knuckles the wheel etc. The only time he drives like a normal person is when his daughter is in the car.

Another side effect of the PTSD is that he's pretty reclusive, I have to drag him ANYWHERE.

He has this newfound habit of always wearing a hat too, he practically hides behind it in public. He is so quiet now, I can rarely get him to talk. So, anyway...new normal.

A Year in Structured Review

2010-12-29T10:49:00.007-05:00

I borrowed this from Slynnro, who's waaayyyy more interesting, but I need to get back into the swing of blogging. What better way?

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I had a homecoming with my Soldier. He was gone for 15 months, he came home in March!

I got my passport!

I got married!

I flew on an Airplane for the first time.

I went to Ireland!

I went on my first boat/cruise ship as well and saw my first Major League Baseball game.

I spent an amazing weekend in Charlotte

I drove 8 hrs each direction to Philadelphia to see my favorite band play, and stopped to see the Liberty Bell on the way home.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any. My NYE was horrific and I actually lost friends over it.

HOWEVER, this year I am making one. I would like to learn to knit. My Mom taught me to crochet when I was really little, but knitting is a whole new ballgame! I already bought a pair of needles and have practiced. wooo?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My Sister-In-Law had a gorgeous little blue-eyed girl!

4. Did anyone close to you die?  
Yes, Hawk's Aunt who we were both very close to. He couldn't come home for the funeral :(

5. What countries did you visit?  
Ireland!

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Less stress

More time with my Dad, my brother and my step-daughter

Good books!

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The date in March when my (then) Fiance came home from the war!

June 9th, we went to see the Tall Ships
which I've always been fascinated with.

My wedding day, the day we flew to Ireland, November 9th, we went on my fave road trip yet.

2010 was a wonderful year

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  
Getting married? We were engaged for years, and I was not in ANY hurry. The right time finally came

9. What was your biggest failure?
no idea?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Passport, hands down

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My 3 dogs, their behavior has improved greatly. I've been working with them for some time.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  
My childhood best friend, who continues to make the worst decisions possible for herself and her sons. Her fiance.
(yeah they wrecked NYE)

14. Where did most of your money go?
Home Improvement projects, car repair, honeymoon!

15. What did you get really excited about?
Wedding, Honeymoon, any chance I get to travel. Seeing fave singers in amazing venues

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Mumford and Son's Little Lion Man. I'm OBSESSED with the band, that's not my fave song by them but I'll never forget the first time I heard them. And they played THIS

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 
(a) happier or sadder?
(b) thinner or fatter?
(c) richer or poorer?

(a) Happier. My husband is here with me

(b) Thinner

(c) Poorer. Civilian pay doesn't compare to deployment pay. Who cares? I have everything I need and many, many things I want!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?  
Seen my bff since our husbands came home, taken more classes

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?  

I wish I worried less. I wish I didn't let myself be so stressed about things

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve was at the In-Laws and Christmas Day, I was pretty sick, but went to my best-friend's house and kept it low key

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I did, with Mumford and Son's. I know I talk about them constantly, but they just changed my life. Period.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
I love American Pickers, If Walls Could Talk and How I Met Your Mother

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? 
Ha NO! I dont hate many people but I sure have hated them for a long time

24. What was the best book you read?  
It's one of my mom's books, I inherited. Called "Wide Meadows", I love it.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? 

One last Mumford reference

26. What did you want and get?  
I just wanted to travel, and I did more this year than ever.

27. What did you want and not get? 
My degree.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I liked Inception a lot, and Despicable Me.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24, my brother took us out to Buca Di Beppo for the first time. I LOVED it!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  
A different car that didn't break down twice, while hubby was out of town.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?  
I fell in love with dresses this year.

32. What kept you sane?

   My husband, Bexxx (my BFF)
My dogs, and music

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
NPH!

34. What political issue stirred you the most? 
Not even gonna go there.

35. Who did you miss?  
My mom. She's been gone for 4 years now. Time is flying. I can't even imagine what it's like to have that support. I could have used it this year.

36. Who was the best new person you met?  
A fellow Army wife I actually met at the Homecoming ceremony. Love her!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.  
Can't say I found any great insight this year.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I don't want to so...

That sums up 2010, I suppose. Hopefully next year I can post more. I definitely do interesting things, and I really need to document them so I can remember ha!

Happy New Year!

Christmas Cards!!!!!

2010-11-29T13:00:00.007-05:00

*not my kids

This is my first Christmas as a married woman! Hawk and I weren't able to celebrate Christmas together last year, as he was deployed, but this year we intend to go ALL OUT! On the top of my to-do list is getting personalized Christmas cards. We send out cards every year, but this time we plan on sending Shutterfly Photo Cards! This is something I've always wanted to do, they're beautiful!

They have a lot of choices , and I'm having trouble deciding which one I like best. They have all kinds of designs I think we'll go with a black and white picture, with some simple trim. Maybe this one or this retro one

Shutterfly is the only picture printing company I've ever used, and they came out so beautiful, I was beyond satisfied. I just found out that they also sell calendars

that you can personalize with pics of the cute babies or soldier in your life!

Not a wedding post unfortunately

2010-11-19T11:06:00.003-05:00

I was all set to write my wedding & honeymoon posts, when I got an insane Trojan from MY SCHOOL'S WEBSITE. So my computer got the blue screen of death and I had to wipe my hard drive. I lost all my pictures, but my husband has them on his portable hard drive. He just happens to be out of town doing Army stuff. So, they are coming (@Becky ;)but it'll be a few more days. Since I have no pics, and need to get back in the swing of things, I thought I'd do one of those "getting to know me" posts:

I am : a bibliophile.

I think : family is overrated

I know : I'm going to kick ass at whatever job it is I end up in after college, even if I can't be a Librarian anymore

I have : a husband, little debt, my own house and a car with no payments

I wish : I wish I was carefree and less serious all the time

I hate : lies and fakeness

I miss : my Mom

I fear : nothing. I'm over fear!

I hear : travel shows that I dvr'd

I smell : apple cinnamon air freshener

I crave : an adventure!

I search : for farmhouses we could potentially buy in the next couple of years

I wonder : why everyone sucks so much, sometimes.

I regret : ever letting fear stop me from ANYTHING

I love : possibilities

I ache : well, my heart does when I see a Victorian house I can't own & lovingly restore

I am not : good at defining myself

I believe : Mumford & Sons music changed my life. Maybe I'll explain why soon

I dance : when I'm drinking, which is so rare

I sing : all day, every day.

I cry : during kids movies, they are filled with nothing but sadness

I fight : for what I believe in

I win : trivial pursuit like a BOSS

I lose : everything smaller than my hand

I never : eat meat?

I always : start a book and am consumed for 5 hours

I confuse : myself 100% when any math harder than algebra is involved!

I listen : to mournful music all the time.

I can usually be found : reading cooking or exercising

I am scared : of house fires.

I need : new running shoes

I am happy about : my upcoming adventures

That was hard, actually.

Tell me something about YOU that I didn’t know!

Bad Blogger :(

2010-10-21T13:29:00.004-04:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a month. I have a lot to say! It'll have to wait though.

I got married yesterday.

And I'm leaving for Ireland shortly, so when I get back I'll do some real posts :)

On the pursuit of happiness...

2010-09-15T15:39:00.004-04:00

My passport finally came today!

For as long as I can remember, I've been just a little obsessed with my Irish heritage. I know, millions of Americans claim Irish ancestry, much to the chagrin of actual Irish people. However my maternal Grandfather came here on a ship (as an orphan, no less) and my paternal Grandmother was 1st generation American. I feel this is enough genetic material to back my Irish claims ;)

I read about Ireland as a kid and dreamed of cottages, falling down castles and the Blarney stone. I grew up devouring any information, news and stories I could from the Emerald Isle. Hell, my dog's name is Guinness. There's much more but you get the picture! And, you know, I never actually thought I'd get to go there.

However the past 4 years have changed my life so much. I've been through a lot, lost some precious people and things, but in experiencing that, I found myself. I thought I wanted a certain kind of life, but my fiance and the Army changed my mind. And I couldn't be happier with the direction I'm headed in now. I've seen good friends get stuck in situations they never wanted to be in. Toxic relationships, unexpected pregnancies, poor job & school choices. I'm lucky that my eye has always been on the future. I'm reliable and responsible, so that's just how its been.

Now that I have my future pretty well mapped out, well...it's time to live in the moment for the first time in my life.

So we're going to Ireland next month.

I'm already planning future trips around the world, and I'm (for the first time in years) optimistic about my life, and my chances of being truly happy. I think what held me back before was fear. But I'm learning that I have full control over my happiness and I intend to take every advantage I can find.

Patriot Day

2010-09-11T16:01:00.003-04:00

When 9-11 happened, I was 15 years old, 2 weeks into my Sophomore year, sitting in Math class. My teacher was crying, and wouldn't say why. She was a tough old broad and we knew something serious was wrong. When she said a plane hit the WTC we were like, wow how could a pilot not see such a big building. The internet was locked and TVs were removed from classrooms too. We pretty much just sat around talking until the end of that class period.

As I walked into my next class(JROTC)still on a media lockout, nobody knew it was intentional. In our innocent teenage minds, how could we fathom a terrorist attack?? None of the teachers were telling us anything, but slowly we started to get news reports (over our PAGERS) It had to be about 10 a.m. then and it was choatic.

My dad came to the school to get me and I missed the next day too. I've never felt so unstable in my city, in this country. I honestly felt like the world as I knew it was ending. I though a war was coming to our streets, our city. I know I'm not the only one. I used to hang out on top of my garage (yes I was a weird kid) and on that Tuesday I took up a shortwave radio and sat there for 5 hours listening to news reports from all over the world. That day was the first time of only 2, I ever saw my mom drunk.

Everyone was petrified.

3 years later I met a man who had enlisted in the Army a week before Christmas 2000.

He was deployed to Iraq in March of 2003 when the first American Troops arrived in Iraq. He'd been home for 9 months when we met.

That soldier, now my Fiance, has been to war twice. 2 year-long deployments. This last deployment, I went through too. I could never have guessed in a million years that, that warm sunny Tuesday, when I was 15 would map out the rest of my life. As an Army wife,(soon enough) I know the price Americans have paid, and continue to pay. In casualties, and in men and women forever changed by war.

9-11 is the root of this war.

This seemingly never ending war.

We remember this day each year. The lives that were lost and the changes that were made to our country and our lives, forever.

But to military families, EVERY day is Patriot Day. The shock-waves from those attacks are still felt by almost 150,000 American and Allied troops that are STILL in Iraq and Afghanistan TODAY, the Veterans of OIF and OEF and also, their families.

Thank you Troops!

Spotlight on : Our Caffeinated Life

2010-09-01T15:46:00.003-04:00

My real life best friend and deployment buddy Bexxx has started sharing her experiences as an Army Wife and the after effects of deployment on a family. Please check out her blog, Our Caffeinated Life.

bexxx and I on our soldier's homecoming day!

Alternatives to chemicals

2010-08-27T13:52:00.004-04:00

I was raised by hippies. There I said it. This most likely conjures up images of flowing skirts, long hair, a VW beetle perhaps? Yep, my mom was all that and more. (in fact I have a 1968 Beetle in my garage that belonged to my Mama :) She was an advocate for peace, made all my baby clothes and was a serious animal lover. On top of that she was cheap. My Great-Grandma raised her and her 5 siblings while her mom was working long hours as a waitress. My Great-Grandma came to Ohio from South Carolina when she was 14. She grew up on an Indian Reservation and there weren't many jobs down there. Back in the early 1900's to about the 1970's, Ohio was the rubber capital of the world. Jobs were plentiful and they paid decent wages. They offered benefits and it seemed like a great opportunity for her, as it was for so many.

(nobody is still reading, I know!)

So she brought my mom up, very frugally. All those siblings, they had to stretch things. They usually knew natural ways to clean, fertilize gardens, repel bugs, etc. She was green before there was such a thing as being green! Anyhow, I personally still feel the effects of this. Apart from laundry powder,dish soap, and comet cleanser, I don't buy commercial cleaners. I didn't grow up with them, so they're pretty foreign to me. One of the things that was always around, that I had actually forgotten about until recently, was: 20 Mule Team Borax.

I live in a Township, in a kind of rural place so we have well water. I HATE it! I was having trouble getting my laundry really clean. I was going through 6 boxes of Arm & Hammer baking soda a month. Then it occurred to me that my Mom used something different, Borax. Even though growing up, we had city water, not well. It is a natural water softener, they mine it out of mountains apparently!

SO I went down to Wal-Mart and bought a box (they changed the old fashioned packaging, boo!! End of an era) but they didn't change anything else!

If you have never had to deal with well-water, you won't understand how awful it can be. But let me tell you, I've done 3 loads of laundry and Borax is my New (old) Best Friend. It's multi-purpose and I can't stop using it. It doesn't have any fumes and actually leaves your hands super soft. It's safe around babies, even on their clothes. It gets pet stains and smells out of anything! (I have 3 dogs, they make mistakes sometimes ha)

Obviously I'm a weirdo since I did a whole post about it, but the water situation here had me really depressed. My clothes were dingy all the time, and had a metallic smell from the minerals. All this is GONE! I know there are fancier brands than 20 Mule Team, but you don't need to pay for a name. The huge box from Wal-Mart was $3. It'll do at least 5-6 dozen loads of laundry as well as various other household tasks. I can't stand the thought of using dangerous chemicals, and this is the perfect alternative! I couldn't be happier!

btw obviously I'm not being compensated, my blog is small time. I'm just really happy my awesome, well-loved clothes are finally really clean.

Wordless Wednesday--For Lisa, We miss you.

2010-08-25T13:44:00.005-04:00

Progress. Oh wait...

2010-08-24T21:24:00.005-04:00

There hasn't been much progress on the solo therapy (ST) and couples counseling (CC) front. Once a week we go to CC and sometimes we take microscopic baby steps in the right direction. Mostly though, it's a totally emotionally draining experience that leaves me with a migraine and wrecks the rest of my day. Our counselor is through the VetCenter and I'm very lucky that they accept me since I'm technically "just a fiance".

The Army doesn't normally recognize you unless you're a wife. I think that's complete bs, since I've been with my soldier for 6 years. I'm the only person that has EVER been there for him, and I know so many other girls are in the same situation and aren't recognized.

Well, this "just a fiance" happens to know the ins and outs of PTSD and TBI, and somehow I doubt that a piece of official paper would change that. I deal with some really difficult things with my soldier which is why we go to therapy, duh. Let's see. . .

Well, first up, there's anger. Hawk has the most unrelenting road rage I've ever seen. He doesn't even have to be the one driving. He'll start off cussing and at the end of his episode, he'll have punched the dashboard (hard!) half a dozen times, almost ran off the road, accelerated to 100 mph to make sure the other guy sees him flip them off etc. He'll weave through traffic screaming at the other cars. He doesn't care if I'm in the car or not. I don't even want to know what he's like when I'm not with him. And it isn't just road rage. We can't go out like normal people because if someone rubs him the wrong way, he will fly off the handle.

Theres the constant zoning out. He can't hold a conversation with anyone. Least of all me. I always find myself apologizing for his rudeness and bending over backwards to include him in conversations. It's draining, so we don't visit others much, or have people over. (Not that he'd mind since all he does is play video games all day and rarely leaves the house.) But more than that, it's killing our relationship. I speak and he doesn't acknowledge me. He never makes eye contact, just stares at the wall. If he does talk he stops mid-sentence and then won't talk again for hours. No matter how much I work with him.

He drinks. A lot of them do. He's an asshole when he drinks too, and that is the time he's most likely to have flashbacks.

I really hate the flashbacks.

He is completely irresponsible. He wont do ANYTHING around the house. He wont even take care of his dog who he loves SO much. He can't handle money anymore because he blows it all, or loses it. It's a struggle to get him to do anything other than warm the couch and xbox controller. I pick up the slack, like I've been doing for the past 19 months since this Hell that is my life began.

Silly me, I thought the deployment would be the hard part.

Next up: Memory loss! He can't remember anything. ANYTHING. I have to write every last little thing down on a huge dry erase board because his memory is shot. He can't remember the last time he talked to his parents or his daughter. Hell I have to make him call his daughter, not that he ever has anything to say to her. I have to feed him topics (ask her about school, ask about her dog, summer camp, whatever). We'll go to a restaurant and he forgets what he likes there. We go to the movies and in the amount of time it takes to get from the car to the ticket booth, he can't remember the name of the movie. He forgets EVERYTHING. I have to remind him his brother's wife's name. Or his other brother's daughter's name. It's always something. He either gets mad at himself and shuts down the rest of the day, or he acts like he's fine while he forgets where he is.

There is so much more, but it's such an everyday part of my life, I honestly can't tell what's normal and what isn't anymore. I forget that not everyone lives like this.

Therapy is supposed to be helping all this. We've been going for 2 months, and honestly things are worse now. Our last CC session I cried for 2 hours and finally walked out. The counselor is not trained to handle PTSD, and she and Him just twist my words and talk in circles. This isn't teenage depression, it isn't simple relationship problems. These are our life problems

And I'm not bitching because I can't handle the responsibility. But who the fuck wants it? When is enough, enough?

Rant O' The Day

2010-08-22T22:19:00.004-04:00

So, I'm getting married in 2 months. We've been together for (what feels like) forever and I've reached a certain age (24). Apparently, to everyone that is NOT me, this means that the baby factory must now be open for business.

From EVERY direction, I get the 3rd degree about:

If we're trying.

When we'll try.

How many kids we'll have.

How far apart they'll be.

Are we trying YET.

What I will name them.

It's repetitive, intrusive, crosses all kinds of boundaries. People ACTUALLY tell me that I'm practically too old. They tell me if I wait, I'll never lose the weight, I'll be too old to be a "fun" mom. People legit don't understand why I would want to wait. Here's why;
I grew up in a a pretty bad city. The inner city, in fact. 2 of my best middle school friends got pregnant IN middle school. In my homeroom, my freshman year, there were 16 female students (from all grades) and I was the only one that wasn't pregnant. My childhood best friend has 2, and quite a few of my other friends are on their 3rd. A few of them are fine, they have good jobs, well behaved kids and are happy. But, most of them are single parents. Most of them rely solely on Government assistance and will never go to college.

Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that college was the only thing that was non negotiable in my life. I had to go. So, I made it my goal and I'm currently pursuing a Master's degree in Library Science. Kids will most likely happen, my Fiance has baby fever so bad that I want to smack him any time we enter a store. I however, intend to wait quite a few more years before I acquire that particular fever.

Normally I shrug all of this stuff off. I don't care what anybody else thinks, never have, and I'm not gonna start now! But today it REALLY pissed me off. I was talking to a relative of the Fiance's. She's 2 years younger than me and has a 1 yr old. They're currently trying for their second. I have no opinion on this, good for them, whatever, not my business. When she, for the 85th time, asked me if we were trying yet I said "no, school, blah blah blah."
"I'm not ready."
and I hear. . .

WHAT? YOU'RE 24 ALREADY! HOW COULD YOU EVER BE MORE READY?
She actually shouted this in my face. No, I didn't punch her lights out ;)

I know I'm not alone in this. Saying that 24 is too young for me to have a baby is a total understatement. I'm not even interested in it.

So why the hell does everybody think it's any of their concern? When did it become acceptable to badger chicks on this topic??

Sadness

2010-08-10T14:17:00.003-04:00

Finally got a chance to check my reader today and I found out that one of my coolest bloggy friends has passed away. Bumpkin On A Swing was one of the first blogs I ever read, and Lisa was always so funny and kind. She had so much passion and imagination and I always enjoyed anything she wrote. She is already greatly missed and my thoughts are with her dear Captain and friends and family. This is a great loss.

Balance

2010-08-03T14:55:00.009-04:00

Well, my last post was venting. I was having the worst week ever and I had to get that out. Things are ok most of the time. Living with a Combat Veteran is a unique experience, I have to say. I've only known him as a Veteran. I met him just months after he returned from Iraq the first time. We lived peacefully for 4 years and then he left again. We are both working to find balance, and that is challenging in anyone's life. Everyone has problems, I know, so I try not to feel so bad about ours. My Soldier is a really good guy. He's a FANTASTIC Father and a fun person to be around and I appreciate that. His problems are serious, but there is more to him than that and I try to remember that in our dark periods.
We had a great weekend! We had his daughter and niece (both 7) and stayed busy from sunrise to sunset the past 3 days.

Niece! She calls herself Spongebob ha

He lets the girls get away with murder ;)

Our Niece and my Step-daughter

So, thankfully we are finally getting the chance to enjoy our summer!

Readjustment reality

2010-07-27T16:06:00.004-04:00

I don't blog much. Obviously. I used to and I really love blogging. It's easy to mold your posts to what others expect from you. The thing is, the reason I started this blog is, I need an outlet. I started it when my Fiance was in Iraq. He's been home now for 4 1/2 months so here's what I've learned.

They tell you to wait, and to be supportive. They don't tell you that you can be 110% fucking supportive and you won't get much back.

They tell you that the readjustment period can take up to a year. They don't tell you that there's just a slight chance you'll even be together after the first year back.

3 couples I know from Hawk's squad have broken up and another is headed there. A squad only has 13 people in it. We make the 5th that despite my best efforts, may not be together after the first year.

Hawk was in Iraq in 03-04 when the fighting was really bad there. He went through a whole lot there. 40+ confirmed kills. Some with just a knife. Some with a truck, some with guns. That just the confirmed ones...

I met him when he'd only been home for 9 months. I thought he was dealing with it ok. I've since learned he hides everything.

He has PTSD from the first deployment and suffers from TBI as well. He never got any counseling and that was a mistake. Now that he's home, he goes to solo counseling at the Veteran's Service Commission. I suspect he lies to his therapist since he isn't getting better. We also do couples counseling once a week. It's going nowhere. He gives her lip service and then nothing changes. The after effects of this deployment have destroyed our relationship. We're supposed to be getting married in October, and I'm not even interested anymore. He's volatile, angry, has memory loss, lies constantly about the dumbest stuff.

He was supposed to go back to drill last month. (He's a Reservist) and he found a way to get out of that. He never got his post-deployment physical and mental eval and they're blowing up my phone trying to get him to come in. He's oblivious. Can't be bothered. Nobody tells you it will be like this.

I'll be 24 next month. . .

2010-07-21T17:36:00.003-04:00

and I don't know what to do for my birthday! I've been thinking about a camping trip, making a FB event and inviting anyone that wants to come, but the campground isn't sure they will have enough sites. We're saving for our October wedding, so a trip out of town isn't really in the cards. I'm open to pretty much anything. I've never had a birthday party (ever, not even as a kid. Last year my Fiance was deployed so we're hoping to really do something special. But what??

100 days

2010-07-12T15:30:00.002-04:00

In 100 days, it will be October 20th 2010. 10/20/2010. This will mark myself and Hawk's 6 yr anniversary. It is also my wedding day. I haven't been the typical bride, we've been engaged for over 5 years after all. Originally we were going to be married on St. Patrick's Day, 2007. We're both Irish and a little quirky, so why not? Ha I even bought a green dress. We were going to have bagpipers and lots of Guinness. But it didn't happen. In October of 2006 my Mom died suddenly/ It was a brain aneurysm. She wasn't even sick. . .

So I couldn't handle a wedding after that. And time flew, we were happy so a wedding didn't matter that much. It's just a piece of paper after all ;) That all changed though, when Hawk deployed to Iraq. We had just bought a house 4 months before he got his orders, and he left 3 months later. It was a yearlong deployment that essentially was make-us or break-us. It made us. Now that I'm older, and after all that we've been through, I really want to get married. It won't be anything fancy, because my family is pretty much non-existant and I am after all a full time student. But it will be MINE and that is all we want. We're celebrating US and I can't wait!

What's new

2010-07-07T22:35:00.003-04:00

So, I have been so incredibly busy the past 3 weeks I've barely had time to think about writing! School has been kicking my ass, but I made Dean's list again. I've been car-less for 2 weeks since my piece of shit Kia Rio decided to die on me. I've already paid more to fix it than I paid for the car itself. The money, by the way came out of our wedding money. So long happy normal ceremony, you ain't happening! The only thing getting me through this sweltering summer is that I only have 1 more semester and then I'll have a degree, be married and thisclose to starting a family. My Hawk has a little over 2 years left in the Army, so we have to decide whether or not to stay a Reserve family or even go Active. That, at least would get me the hell out of Ohio!!

Got to surprise the Fiance with a Toby Keith concert. His fave singer, and we got great seats ;) as you can see, someone was having a LOT of fun. . .and beer

Another new thing that is, we've been going to couples therapy through the Veteran's Service Commission. He also goes for solo counseling, and group to help his PTSD. He has a TBI as well, and a serious shoulder injury that may require surgery, so you can see why I've been busy.

With love.

2010-07-01T10:37:00.001-04:00

2010-06-06T11:12:00.002-04:00

I am fairly new to the blogging world, I don't get to post as much as I'd like due to my hectic schedule and the fact that it takes me forever to learn how to do anything on here! Hyperlinks and buttons, templates etc. HA! So one of my fave new blog world things is these swaps everyone seems to be doing! I have joined into a really cool one for necklaces and nail polish, and I am excited to get my partner. This swap is organized by Katie at Life With The Dietrich's and I know it's going to be awesome :)

A cool giveaway!

2010-06-06T10:56:00.002-04:00

My bloggy friend Katie is doing a really cool jewelry giveaway! Visit her BLOG
and enter to win something really cute from Lisa Leonard designs!

Memorial Day doesn't mean BBQ and Beer to us

2010-05-31T13:30:00.007-04:00

Growing up, we never celebrated Memorial Day, but we didn't celebrate anything. Not even Christmas. My Mom was Native American and Irish, with veteran relatives going back to the Revolutionary War. My Dad's Father was a highly decorated WWII Veteran, he did 2 tours and earned multiple Purple Hearts in the process. I never go to meet him, he died before I was born. My Dad's brother was in the Army in Vietnam. It changed him. He was "shell shocked" which is modern day PTSD. Long story short, our service members sacrifice everything up to and including their lives.

My Fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years. When we met, he had just got home from a year in Iraq. He is an Army Reservist and has been in for 10 years. In March of 2009 he left again, this time for 400 days. I was left here to keep the homefires burning. And that I did, but I also learned what it truly means to be a military family. These deployments are the hardest thing I can imagine ever going through (and I have had my share of tragedies)

We had to fight to save our life we had created. We succeeded but it changed EVERYTHING.

I am lucky that my Hawk was able to come home from the War twice. I know that there are countless men and women that never made it back. Many more will not. We don't cookout and drink on holidays like this one. We remember the fallen and are grateful that we did not lose everything. It's easy to look at those pictures of flag draped caskets and imagine my soldier in their place. When I say grateful, I mean shaking, crying, grateful. My soldier is my life, I can't imagine a future without him. Those that we have lost, and the families they left behind, we are honoring them today. Happy Memorial Day

Landscaping is my new hobby

2010-05-12T23:08:00.003-04:00

Spent most of the past 3 days landscaping my yard. It is in pretty awful shape, but beginning to look a whole lot better. I'm going to take some pics tomorrow and compare them with old "before" pics. I have been renovating the inside for the past year, and now that Hawk is home, I have finally been able to get started on the outside. I've taken to stopping at garden centers just about everyday to pick up some thing or another. I am finally beginning to like being a home owner.

Sunshine Award!!

2010-05-10T23:27:00.009-04:00

Well, thanks to Manda at My Explosive life...as an EOD Tech's Wife I have received my first blog award! It definitely made my day, so now I am going to pass it along. Here are the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog or within your post.
2. Pass the award onto 12 bloggers.
3. Let the nominees know they have received the award by commenting on their blog.
4. Share the love and link the person who gave you the award

So here are my chosen bloggers!

1. Mrs. Jetplane at
Leaving and Loving on a Jetplane

2. Rachael at Senorita Rachael

3. Ms. Bumpkin at Bumpkin on a Swing

4. Chris at A deliberate life

5. Neysa at Dissertation to Dirt

6. Nicole at Mrs. Muffins

7. Lucy at Lucy's Life

8. Aubrey at All About Aubrey

9. Secret Blogger at My Big Fat Super Super Obese Blog

10. The Mrs. at Trying Our Best

11. ABW at Army Blogger Wife

12. Sarah at Dance Shoes and Combat Boots

I love these dozen fantastic bloggers and they definitely are the Sunshine in my Google Reader :)

Well,

2010-05-08T10:04:00.003-04:00

So, I have had a TON of things going on in the past 2 months. My Hawk is HOME and we have been doing great. I've got one more final and then my semester is over and I will have a lot more time to be online! I also have some projects underway that I hope to document on here. Home improvements and gardening etc. . . We pretty much live at Home Depot (now that they offer a year round military discount like Lowes HA) so hopefully posts will be more regular shortly!

A sweet girl who's blog I follow...

2010-04-27T22:17:00.000-04:00

I've been reading Karie's blog for a year and she is an amazingly strong girl. The blog is called "Wife of a Wounded Marine" and I'm so, so very sorry to say that a few days ago, she lost her Marine. It wasn't in theater but the war caused this. Please keep these two brave people in your thoughts...

**Wife of a Wounded Marine**: Obituary

Lovely Package Exchange!

2010-03-01T18:43:00.006-05:00

I found this amazing blog and they are currently accepting signups for a Lovely Package Exchange!!

I am SO new to blogger and I am trying to figure out all the tricks for bells and whistles, but until I do I guess I'll just post the link to this Lovely blog:
Oh Hello Friend!
for more info on the package exchange, check it out! But hurry because the deadline is approaching!

Waiting

2010-02-26T23:15:00.003-05:00

A certain bird of prey is coming home to the USA in 7 days. He will be back in our hometown 5-10 days after that and finally the hell that is this deployment will end. It wasn't all bad, but the majority of it was something that I would never like to endure again. Since it was a deployment, that is a given, but still. Everything that could go wrong did. We almost broke up. However, somehow we made it through this and since we did that, we can do anything, I am certain. In October we will finally be wed. Its been a long 5 1/2 years and I can't wait to spend the next 70+ with this amazing man that is my Hawk. I am a dreamer at my most basic level, but my years have jaded me. I do not believe in marriage or forever or unconditional love. Despite this, somehow, Love found me and convinced me to ignore all logic and let this man in. He is a good man, a kind, loving man that would do anything for me and I adore him. Plain and simple. I was not brought up watching Disney fairy tales and reading books about princesses waiting for princes to save them. I was raised by a woman who worked every day of her life until her last day. She never depended on a man and yet she LOVED my Hawk. She wanted me to marry him! If this guy, my Sgt. can get THAT stamp of approval, well then he must be something special. 400 long, lonely days without the love of my life. An experience I hope to never repeat. But I know that there are hundred of thousands of girls in this situation. Not all of them miserable, but none as happy as me. Our story isn't one of delusional romantics, but it is after all a love story. It's a story I would like to tell...

Wedding planning is making me craaaazzzy

2010-02-24T20:11:00.000-05:00

So we can't decide if we want to elope to Vegas or have a small (as I can possibly make it) ceremony here in town. I'd like to have a ceremony, and I even have ideas for it. The problem is planning is overwhelming, as I am not the most organized of people. Another thing is, well, I lost my mom 3 years ago and I don't have that support. My entire family consists of my dad and brother. I don't have any extended family at all. As Hawk will be home in 3 weeks, and the wedding date is THIS October, I am going to have to start making some decisions asap.

Such a great song

2010-01-28T17:39:00.000-05:00

I am nearing the end of a 400 day deployment. My Hawk will be home in abut 6 weeks and honestly, I dunno if I could take any more than that. I am back in school which is GREAT. I had to take a semester off and I missed it so much! I'm taking an interesting Medieval British Lit course and also an Early American History course, so Im surrounded by romance poets and war. Story of my life haha. Anyway I have always had an obsession with sad music. Mournful Irish ballads to current lovesick, heartbreak country songs, I love my despair. The new movie, "Dear John" based on a Nicholas Sparks novel has made this song the focus of it's commercials. The story is about a soldier and the girl that waits for him at home, so I identify with the plot. But I also LOVE the song.

Deployment. KISS MY ASS

2010-01-25T15:13:00.000-05:00

Its been a year since DF deployed. His orders were for 400 days and he will be home in about 6 weeks. We dont have a date yet so I cant even look forward to it yet. You learn that fast, being in a mil family, don't believe any date because it'll change every single day. I dunno if the other branches are this ridiculous, but the Army Reserves are so disorganized that it makes life hell. Most of my friends turned out to be self-absorbed assholes so I pretty much cut everyone from my life. Also, DF's family didn't even try to keep in touch with him, so they're out too. He doesn't care, I don't care. All we do care about is each other, he's been so excited lately planning the wedding that he's like a little kid. Obviously in our relationship things are backwards. He's the one excited about the wedding, he is the one that wants kids, I remodel the house by myself LOL. My big scary soldier spends all his free time looking at table settings online. My life cracks me up, I feel like I'm in a cartoon sometimes. Gotta laugh, otherwise I'll never stop crying...

Blueberry pie and whipped cream

2009-12-30T22:16:00.000-05:00

So now that the new year is right around the corner, I figured I may as well write a resolution blog like everyone else. However, mine is a bit different cause it's more of a list of things I really want to do. My one real resolution is that I'd like to handle disagreements with the Hawk better. Pre-deployment things got so bad, we weren't sure we'd make it. Things are great now, but it took a lot of work. Other than that, my list is shaping up quite well:

1. Train for a marathon. (Hawk and I are going to do this together)

2. Finish remodeling our spare bedroom.

3. Bake myself a blueberry pie from scratch! ( I can cook anything but never been a good baker)

4. Plant a garden

5. Learn to can food. (my tattoo artist is actually going to teach me)

6. Finish my degree!!

7. GET MY DRIVERS LICENSE

8. Lost 25 lbs this year, and I'm going to lose 25 more

I'm sure more things will get added. I never made a resolution before and it's not about making a commitment for a new year, but more of focusing on what makes me happy. (and keeps me out of trouble #7)

This year is going to be the biggest of my life. In March my Hawk is coming home from Iraq. In July our house becomes ours, free and clear. In October we are getting married on our 6th Anniversary! Also, I won't be able to map out the timeline until he gets home, but He has baby fever so we will be planning for that too!

Bah Humbug and Is it March yet???

2009-12-27T16:15:00.000-05:00

SO, Christmas was quite drama filled. Hawk didn't have a mission that day, so he got to pig out and talk to me on Skype! However when he asked if his family had called or texted me, it turned...not merry. They never called, texted, emailed or anything which really made him angry. They also hadn't so much as sent him a Christmas card so he was already feeling cold toward them. Anyway they show time after time that they are crazy and don't care about him. He emailed his siblings nasty emails and they never replied. I really don't understand how an ENTIRE FAMILY can just not care about their son/nephew/brother who is at WAR. The part they really don't understand though, is once he gets home, he isn't ever going to forgive them. He's written them off and while I feel bad that he has to go to such extreme measures, they totally asked for it.

Anyway, since the InLaws are a bunch of ignorant morons, I spent the holiday with my best friend/fellow Army wife, her daughter, and some extended family! I had a very non-traditional Christmas, which was exactly what I wanted since my Hawk couldn't be here. We had awesome food, and they are a really cool family so it was nice to spend a Christmas away from the Idiot Inlaws. Every year it's the same ignorant conversations, I get ignored, they tell Hawk how he needs to live his life, then top it off by them all getting wasted drunk. I can't even express my delight at the thought of never seeing them again! He's all I need and I'm all he needs, so there we go.

New and Improved Ray Bird ;)

2009-12-19T20:11:00.000-05:00

SO, I got my hair cut today. I cant exactly describe the relationship my hair and I have. In a nutshell, I was raised by hippies, my mom didnt cut her hair for 30 years and therefore I was not allowed to cut my hair until I was 18. Not kidding, I know its freakin' weird but it is what it is. So over the past 6 years I have been slowly losing the length. This year I cut a foot off, including 5 inches today. It's the shortest I've ever had it, obviously and it's taking some getting used to. I've always been known for my super long hair. It's my thing. However, I am a new woman and I need a new THING! After 11 months of living through this wretched deployment, 2 years of school and more life changes than I can count, I am not the same person anymore. I am independent, mature and professional. I needed my exterior to reflect that, so he I am! On a not so narcissistic note, my Hawk was given the new position of company commander today and his first mission as leader is TOMORROW!! It's a big responsibility and a huge step in his career. I'm so proud of him, he has come so far this past year too! It was so funny today as he told me how nervous he was that he might mess up tomorrow. He is the best soldier I've ever met. He takes his oath very serious and he is just intuitive about his job. In contrast, in civilian life hes like a big kid, as easy going as a human can be, and such a helpful kind man. Good luck to you Hawk, you got this!

Just a Hawk and a Hummingbird

2009-12-12T20:53:00.000-05:00

3 weeks ago, my Hawk was home on R&R, we took lots of pics and this is my fave :) AThey all keep saying 90 days until this deployment ends but they've been saying that for 3 weeks. I don't know how much longer he has but I know that 90 more days is about all I can take. After 4 1/2 years of being inseparable, I've seen Hawk less than 45 days this year. Our relationship is definitely suffering. Its crazy because before this deployment we were the strongest couple I've ever seen in my life. I guess no couple is safe when one is in the military. I'm gearing up for a miserable Christmas... this is so not like me. I used to be so happy, now I feel like my future is vanishing right before my eyes. We rarely talk on the phone but when we do, we fight, I cry. Its very strained. I refuse to give up on us and he says he does too, but I don't even know him anymore. I don't trust him, I feel like he's imaginary most of the time. It really sucks because I have very few close friends. My best friend is an Army wife too, so thats helpful, but the rest of the people around... Lets just say that they are showing their true colors. I have no family around and Hawk's fam is petty and selfish and they don't even keep in contact with him, let alone me. I hope we can last, but who knows.

One more full day for my baby before his flight

2009-11-10T02:24:00.000-05:00

For the past 6 months I have been renovating my house by myself. I have projects going on in every single room and only so much time in each day, ha. I have completely overhauled my bedroom, ripping up 2 nasty layers of shag carpet, all the tack strip, baseborads, random nails padding and stapes etc. . . I am lucky because I have the original parquet floor underneath and it is very pretty. I was goign to lay laminate so thankfully I saved time and probably many headaches learning how to do that! I got all new furniture for the living room and set it up very nice. Finally my kitchen. Ah, kitchen, the bane of my F'ing existence. Before Hawk left he sanded down the doors (they had a very nice thick layer of laquer and nicotine on em). I let them sit for oh, 8 months or so (Im a procrastinator like you would not believe) and then finally began painstakingly doing alternating sides each day. 3 layers of paint later and some chic new hardware they are almost ready to hang. One more night of curing and thank god my kitchen will be done, and nice and bright!
Tomorrow I have a million errands to run and a ton of loose ends on my little projects that I need to tie up. Finally after 6 long months of my love being in Iraq (and 11 months since we spent any time together) my Hawk is FINALLY coming home for 2 decadent weeks of R&R. I don't think I have ever looked forward to anything this much in my life. I know things are going to be different but our relationship is stronger than any other I have ever seen. I somehow managed to find a truly good man so easily without even looking. I feel for all the girls out there that are looking for a good guy and don't believe they exist. My amazing Hawkeye may be one of a kind ;)

R&R time is almost here!!

2009-10-27T18:40:00.001-04:00

15 days and my Hawk will be here!! Im so excited, since it is our first deployment together, I dont know what to expect but Im making all sorts of fun plans! This pic was from his 4 day leave before he deployed, I hadn't seen him in 3 months, and I havent seen him since April 22nd!

Today is our 5 year anniversary

2009-10-21T03:24:00.000-04:00

Hawk and I have been inseperable since day 1. We never had any doubts, for some reason we just clicked. We moved in together within 3 weeks of meeting. Our first year and a half together we never had so much as a disagreement, ha. We should have been doomed! The past 3 years have been especially hard. We lost my Mom out of nowhere. And I do mean "we" because Hawk and my Mom were very close. We survived 2 activations and near deployment of his Reserve unit. We moved to Florida, the worst time of our life, and back home to Ohio. We dealt with being robbed 3 times, roommates from hell, estrangements from family and so on. SO many things that could break a person, let alone a young couple. And we are halfway thru a 400 day deployment to Iraq. However with all the bad things, so much good has happened and I know my life would be unrecognizable without "US" not just him, but who I am with his support and love. I'm not an emotional person or a sappy, sweet girl. But this is an amazing man, and an amazing love and I know how lucky we are to have found happiness. A year from today we're getting married, we already own a house and we have so many plans for our future :) Happy Anniversary Baby!

SO Its 2:40 in the morning

2009-10-03T02:40:00.000-04:00

I can't sleep. Uncharacteristically my baby dog, Guinness is curled up on my lap. He's usually running around destroying cities, but not today. Im supposed to be sleeping because I have to be up at 5 to do a charity walk. Its for a foundation called Out of the Darkness, and they work to promote suicide awareness and prevention. My Besties mom commited suicide when she was 13 so it is a cause close to our hearts. Another reason why I'm doing it personally is, I come from a military family and having at least a dozen good friends in the military, not to mention the Fiance, suicide rates are EXTREMELY high in the military and it scares me.
Speaking of the Fiance, I spent most of my night assembling a Halloween care package for my Hawk, I filled it with candy, homemade (from scratch) cookies, a couple of scary movies and some other surprises. When I put together these care packages, it takes me hours because I put so much thought into them. His family is worthless, they don't send him anything at all! Not even a freaking letter. He finally told me how much this upsets him, so I make extra special packages for him and write him lots of letters. The countdown is at 39 days! He will be here in a few short weeks, and I get 2 weeks uninterrupted with him.
I never thought I'd have to go through an entire year without my Hawk. October 20th will mark our 5 year anniversary, and we've been inseparable since day 1, literally. Hes my world and I know I'm his. We're lucky to have such an amazing relationship, but it makes this ridiculously hard.

Can we paint it? YES WE CAN

2009-09-27T23:45:00.000-04:00

Ok, so lately I feel like all I have been doing is painting. I've painted my bedroom 4 times! 2 coats of primer, then 2 coats of paint. The people that lived here before us must have died of lung cancer because there is so much nicotine seeping out of my walls that I think I have it. The first coat of primer was fine..for 1 day. Then it yellowed. I was painting the walls blue so I didnt need discoloration. Whatever, long story short, my room is a beautiful blue :). Next up, my yearlong kitchen remodel that I only work on when I'm bored. Hawk took the doors off a year ago and sanded them down. I have been meaning to paint the entire inside and outside of all the cabinets. But its boring ha. So here I am a year later and they are half white, and I have not even started on the doors. Today brought a new project, my window panes. The house has newer vinyl double paned window, and they are very nice. However, for some reason the panes outside are black metal. It looks dirty and ridiculous, so today I gave them all a good cleaning and painted them bright, freash white. It looks great against my grass green house. I think my arms are going to fall off, but I'll survive. And by the way, I'm counting down to my Hawk's leave. I have 45 days until I see him again...

What a day

2009-09-15T03:00:00.000-04:00

SO, I hadn't chatted with Hawk (since we hardly ever get to talk, we chat) in 10 days. Last week on Tuesday there were some casualties in the part of the country he was traveling through. Now, normally I don't ever hear about these causualties because I make it a point to not watch the news, or read the papers. They like to sensationalize everything, and I'm a worrier by nature anyway.
My best -friend is another wife in the Unit and she has the same outlook on the news as I do. Ignorance is bliss when your man is deployed. Anyhow, Bestie was at work, minding her own business, when her sister-in-law (who is not close to Bestie or BestiesHubby at all) decided that we just HAD to know about said casualties. Panic ensued, for Bestie and myself.
I mean, day-to-day Hawk is safe. I know this. This is not his first deployment to Iraq (it happens to be his first with me, though) and the last tour was HELL, everyday. He engaged in a lot of hand to hand combat, as well as shootouts and more. Anyway, after years of hearing these stories I somehow allow myself to ignore his declarations of boredom, and his assurances of safety. I freak the hell out. All I can think is, the worst could be coming.
The way it works is, the DOD (dept of defense) releases names 2 days after an incident, or whenever next of kin has been notified. So, for 2 days I walked around my house stealing glances out the window. Every military wife knows what I was envisioning. That car pulling in my driveway with 2 uniformed men. I am lucky, my man was not among those lost. And in one second of reading those names I can finally breathe again. Until my heart breaks for all those other Hawks lost and all those Rays left behind.
My baby is safe, and he is back to his homebase for a couple of days. Then the battle will be back on my doorstep, in a way. 210 more days my Hawk is deployed, we are almost halfway done. I can't imagine who could possibly read my ramblings, but I will tell them this, I will never be the same again, as I mourn each death in my own way. Hawk is my everything, and each of those soldiers is somebodies everything.

My Hawk

2009-09-10T17:52:00.000-04:00

So I really dont want to be one of those girls who's hubby is the center of the universe. I am a very independant, self-reliant person, but I gotta admit, ever since the man deployed I'm miserable. It isn't just normal being alone, as he is away fighting in a war. I have to worry about him 24-7 and it takes a toll. I am a college student and my financial aid got messed up this semester, due to me transfering schools. I now have 4 months to kill before class resumes. I currently don't work so I'm going stir crazy! I spend my day cleaning, playing with my 3 dogs, trying to motivate myself to workout, and reading. I'm so bored all the time. I will continue the job search, but it's hard because the Library System in Ohio has gotten their funding cut. There aren't many job openings, and since I don't have my Masters Degree yet, I'm usually unqualified.